Get ready to snap into a world of laughter because the gridiron is a goldmine for comedy. From clueless commentators to brutally honest coaches and exhausted parents on the sidelines, funny football quotes capture the sport’s hilarious heart and soul. Whether you’re a player, a fantasy fanatic, or a soccer mom, this list is your go-to for a gut-busting good time.
The Starting Lineup: 10 Funny Football Quotes
- “My greatest fear is that I’ll be reincarnated as a football and everybody will want to kick me.” – Anonymous
- “I’m not a fullback. I’m a weapon.” – Bobby Boucher, The Waterboy
- “Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” – Chuck Noll
- “If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms.” – Mike Ditka
- “I’m not a football player. I’m a professional athlete.” – Anonymous
- “My favorite kind of pass is a completed one.” – Anonymous Quarterback
- “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Joe Jacoby (Washington Redskins)
- “You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
- “Football is a game of errors. The team that makes the fewest errors wins.” – Anonymous Coach
- “I’m in a football frame of mind. It’s like a murderous frame of mind.” – Conrad Dobler
5 Motivational Quotes Funny Football Quotes
- “Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.” – Frank Gifford
- “The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.” – Vince Lombardi
- “Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck.” – Don Shula
- “If you’re not in the parade, you watch the parade. That’s life.” – Mike Ditka
- “I’m not a role model. Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.” – Charles Barkley (on the pressure on athletes)
5 Football Mom Funny Football Quotes
- “My favorite position is ‘Snack Mom’.”
- “I don’t scream at the refs. I’m just offering… passionate suggestions from a distance.”
- “This minivan runs on coffee and hope.”
- “I thought ‘Cover 2’ was a blanket.”
- “My superpower is finding a single lost cleat in under 60 seconds.”
5 Game Funny Football Quotes
- “We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.” – Vince Lombardi
- “They are who we thought they were!” – Dennis Green (Infamous NFL Rant)
- “Well, that play looked better on the whiteboard.”
- “I’m not sure what the penalty was for, but I’m sure it was a good one.”
- “We’re not a football team, we’re a travel agency with uniforms.”
5 Short Funny Football Quotes
- “Punters are people too.” (Debatable)
- “I’m here for the snacks.”
- “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity… and the linebackers.”
- “My knee hurts from the couch.”
- “Is it halftime yet?”
5 Quotes on Football Love
- “Football is like a love affair. Without it, life would be empty.” – Anonymous Fan
- “I love football like a kid loves cake.”
- “My heart is divided between my family and my football team. It’s a tight game.”
- “You don’t choose your football team; it chooses you.”
- “A Sunday without football is like a hug without a squeeze.”
5 Funny Football Quotes About Life
- “Life is like a football game. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points.”
- “My life is a lot like a football game: I spend most of it on the bench.”
- “In football and in life, you need a strong defense and a good running game.”
- “Always remember: Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.” – Chuck Noll
- “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing what your coach told you to do in the first place.”
5 Funny Football One Liners
- “Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback!”
- “I’m not slow, I’m just conserving energy for the celebration.”
- “My football skills are ‘developing’… they’ve been developing for 25 years.”
- “Offense sells tickets. Defense wins championships. The snack bar wins my heart.”
- “I don’t get winded, I just need a strategic breathing break.”
5 Short Inspirational Football Quotes
- “Leave no doubt.”
- “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.”
- “The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win.”
- “Champions keep playing until they get it right.”
- “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”
5 Short Quotes on Football Love
- “Football is life!”
- “My happy place is 100 yards long.”
- “Born to watch football.”
- “All you need is love and a football.”
- “I bleed [Team Colors].”
5 Funny Football Quotes for Instagram
- “My personality is 90% football, 10% remembering to be a person.”
- “Currently accepting applications for a personal hype man. Must know all my touchdown dances.”
- “My fantasy team’s name is my only personality trait this season.”
- “Spent more time picking my fantasy team than I did my major. No regrets.”
- “Relationship status: In a committed relationship with football season.”
5 Funny Football Quotes from Movies
- “You can do it!” – The Waterboy
- “Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever.” – The Replacements
- “You’re not a football player, you’re a weapon!” – The Waterboy
- “My momma says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – The Waterboy
- “I’m the quarterback. I’m the leader. I’m the guy.” – Varsity Blues
5 Funny Football Quotes UK (Soccer)
- “I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.” – Ian Rush
- “I’ve had 14 bookings this season – 8 were for dissent and 6 were for the hair.” – Paul Gascoigne
- “We lost because we didn’t win.” – Ronaldo
- “The ref was a homer. A homer who couldn’t see a thing.” – Anonymous Fan
- “If you’re 1-0 up and there are 5 minutes to go, and you get a corner, the best thing is to go and take the corner flag out and just hold it.” – John Motson
5 Funny Football Quotes Memes
- “They had us in the first half, not gonna lie.” (On a team making a comeback)
- “One does not simply…” (Play defense against a star quarterback)
- “My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined.” (After a bad loss)
- “Ah, that’s hot.” (After an incredible touchdown catch)
- “Is this…? Is this just fantasy?” (A play on the Queen song for Fantasy Football)
5 Funny Football Quotes for Kids
- “I run fast so I can get to the snack table first!”
- “My favorite part of practice is the high-fives.”
- “I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome!”
- “I tackle with hugs!”
- “Coach said I’m the MVP… of having fun!”
5 Funny Football Quotes by Players
- “I’m not a role model.” – Charles Barkley
- “I’d like to thank my hands for being so great.” – Terrell Owens
- “I’m not a running back, I’m a weapon.” – Reggie Bush
- “I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.” – Michael Jordan (on trying baseball/football?)
- “Coach told me I was the best player on the team… at getting water.”
5 Famous Funny Football Quotes
- “They are who we thought they were!” – Dennis Green
- “Playoffs? Don’t talk about—playoffs?! You kidding me? Playoffs?!” – Jim Mora
- “We are not a football team, we are a travel agency with uniforms.” – Anonymous
- “I’m not a football player. I’m a professional athlete.” – Anonymous
- “You throw the ball, three things can happen, and two of them are bad.” – Woody Hayes
5 Best Funny Football Quotes
- “They are who we thought they were!” – Dennis Green
- “My momma says that alligators are ornery…” – The Waterboy
- “Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” – Chuck Noll
- “Playoffs?!” – Jim Mora
- “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Joe Jacoby
5 Jokes Funny Football Quotes
- Why was the football stadium so hot after the game? All the fans left!
- What do you call a lineman with a 4.0 GPA? A liar.
- Why did the quarterback take the clock to the game? Because he wanted to manage the time!
- What’s a quarterback’s favorite part of a newspaper? The snap-count.
- Why did the football go to college? To get a little smarter!
5 Iconic Funny Football Quotes
- “They are who we thought they were!” – Dennis Green
- “Playoffs?!” – Jim Mora
- “We want the ball and we’re gonna score!” – Matt Hasselbeck (He then threw a pick-six)
- “I’m a man! I’m 40!” – Mike Gundy
- “You can’t do that!” – John Madden (On just about anything)
5 Michael Owen Funny Football Quotes
- “The team that scores more goals usually wins.”
- “The Spaniards would rather not lose than win.”
- “I’ve had to change my game slightly over the years and nowadays I’m more of a goalscorer than a striker.”
- “The only thing Manchester City are lacking at the moment is the ability to score goals.”
- “That would have been a goal if it wasn’t saved by the keeper.”
5 Funny Fantasy Football Quotes
- “My fantasy team’s performance is directly linked to my Monday mood.”
- “I just traded my kicker for a toaster. It was a fair deal for my team.”
- “My starting running back is ‘Questionable’? So is my will to live.”
- “I spend more time on my fantasy lineup than I do on my real life.”
- “My team is so bad, the projection is just laughing at me.”
5 Funny American Football Quotes
- “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.” – Anonymous
- “Football is one-third practice, one-third skill, and one-third film study. The rest is genetic.” – Anonymous
- “I’m not a athlete, I’m a professional football player.” – John Madden
- “The NFL stands for ‘Not For Long’.” – Anonymous
- “We’re gonna score so many points, the math teacher will have to check our work.” – Anonymous Coach
5 Funny College Football Quotes
- “We’re not here to play school.” – Cardale Jones (Ohio State QB)
- “My goal is to graduate… eventually.” – Anonymous Player
- “I didn’t come here to play classes.” – Anonymous
- “College football is the only place where a ‘trap game’ can ruin your whole season.”
- “My two favorite teams are [My School] and whoever is playing [Our Rival].”
5 Funny Girl Football Quotes
- “I don’t know the rules, but I know a penalty when I see one.”
- “My football knowledge comes from 10% understanding and 90% yelling at the TV.”
- “I’m not a football widow, I’m a football season survivor.”
- “I call that color ‘defensive pass interference’.” (On a nail polish)
- “My fantasy is a quarterback who does the dishes.”
5 Funny Famous Football Quotes
- “They are who we thought they were!” – Dennis Green
- “Playoffs?!” – Jim Mora
- “I’m a man! I’m 40!” – Mike Gundy
- “You can do it!” – The Waterboy
- “We want the ball and we’re gonna score!” – Matt Hasselbeck
5 Funny Flag Football Quotes
- “My flag is more of a fashion accessory.”
- “I’m not running a route, I’m just trying to avoid social interaction.”
- “The most intense part of the game is pulling flags without pulling shorts.”
- “We’re not a team, we’re a group of friends who occasionally score a touchdown.”
- “My strategy is to run in circles until I get open or tired.”
5 Funny NFL Football Quotes
- “They are who we thought they were!” – Dennis Green
- “Playoffs?!” – Jim Mora
- “I’m not an athlete, I’m a professional football player.” – John Madden
- “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Joe Jacoby
- “We want the ball and we’re gonna score!” – Matt Hasselbeck
Conclusion: The Final Whistle on Funny Football Quotes
From the pitch to the locker room and the movie screen to the meme page, the world of football is an endless source of humor. These funny football quotes prove that whether you win, lose, or draw, the best way to enjoy the game is with a hearty laugh. So the next time your team fumbles, just remember a good quote is worth a thousand groans.
What’s the funniest football quote you’ve ever heard? Share it in the comments!
Anamika is the lead content writer for WholesalerJersey.com, where they combine a passion for sports with expert knowledge of the apparel industry. They specialize in creating informative guides and articles that help coaches, teams, and retailers navigate the world of custom and wholesale jerseys, ensuring they find the perfect gear for their needs.